


why do you have that list, anyway

by KiraYoshikage



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: F/F, Face-Sitting, Watersports, please understand, there's no actual sex this is just for goofs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-07 00:21:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20300371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KiraYoshikage/pseuds/KiraYoshikage
Summary: Before Byleth and Edelgard consummate their gay marriage for the first time, Hubert steps in to give Byleth some pointers.





	why do you have that list, anyway

**Author's Note:**

> everything printed here is the truth and you have to accept it

Byleth opened the door to the Cardinal's room, finding only Hubert sitting at the far end of the table. She sat down in the seat opposite him, hesitant and suspicious of Hubert's motives.

"You...wanted to speak to me, Hubert?" Byleth asked.

"Yes, Professor," Hubert said, picking up a quill and scribbling a few words on a piece of paper in front of him. "It has come to my understanding that you wish to bed Her Majesty for the first time tonight. I wished to discuss etiquette--"

"Etiquette? What do you mean, etiquette?" Byleth asked, taken aback. "And who told you I was going to lay with Edelgard tonight?"

"Please do not get defensive, Professor, I am not going to tell you not to bed Her Majesty," Hubert said, sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose. "Her Majesty may bed whomever she pleases, especially her wife. That said, there are things that Her Majesty prefers when bedding someone, and I want to make sure you are aware before you're overtaken with lust and barely capable of fumbling with her belt buckles."

Byleth said nothing, somewhat offended, but her offense was quickly overtaken by her curiosity about how best to fuck her beautiful wife. She sat back in her seat, and Hubert stood from his own, walking over to Byleth.

"Which hand do you use? Right or left?" Hubert asked.

"I'm right-handed, Hubert, you know this."

"Yes, but which do you use for love-making. The sword hand is different from the hand of a lover."

"Still my right hand," Byleth said, showing it to Hubert. Hubert grabbed it and inspected the nails.

"What _is_ this…?" Hubert muttered.

"I know to cut my nails before bedding a woman, Hubert," Byleth said, a small grimace appearing on her face. A matching but more pronounced grimace spread across Hubert's face as he pulled out a nail file.

"Not with these nails, good God," Hubert said. As he spoke, he began filing away at the edges of Byleth's nails. "Did you get a guinea pig to gnaw at your cuticles and declare that good enough? You do know it will be the womanhood of the _Emperor_ you will be exploring, yes?"

"Ow, ow, ow…! Not all the way down to the quick, you daft ape!" Byleth said, clutching her wrist with her free hand.

"Speaking of 'Emperor'," Hubert stated, sawing away. "There may be a point at which Her Majesty refers to you as 'Your Majesty' or any similar title. Understand that she is not ceding her title to you, she will just be caught up in the moment."

"Oh, damn," Byleth said, voice thick with sarcasm. "I was so hoping to use the short path of eating her pussy to get on the throne."

Hubert took one closer look at Byleth's nails and blew on them to clear the dust left behind. "There, that will be sufficient, I suppose." Hubert turned away and walked back to his seat.

"I would certainly hope so-- Oh, these came out really nice, actually," Byleth said, admiring her new nails.

"It is the details that matter," Hubert said simply, and sat down. He picked up the small piece of paper, muttering to himself as he looked over it. "Now, moving onward. Her Majesty likes her face sat on, so make sure you are properly groomed for such a task--"

"I swear, if you try and inspect my ass to make sure it's spick and span, I will have no regrets in opening your throat, Hubert."

"I was not going to, but I like where your head is at," Hubert said, smiling and nodding at Byleth.

"Yes, and I will like where Edelgard's head is at," Byleth muttered to herself.

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

"Ah, one more thing," Hubert said, laying the paper back down. "I will have a pitcher of cold water delivered to your room. It is melted snow from the top of the nearest mountain. Make sure you hydrate properly, and that you drink only from that pitcher."

"Why?" Byleth asked, leaning her head on her fist. "Do you wish to ensure I do not poison Her Majesty with my sweat during our throes of passion?"

"Something like that," Hubert said, crossing his arms. "Her Majesty enjoys being micturated upon, so make sure you do not pass any unsuitable water onto her during your time together."

"Mictur-- Wait. You want me to _piss_ on her?"

"Me? No. I would rather none of this happened at all. But it is what Her Majesty likes, so it is what she will get."

"And what, the melted snow is to--"

"Professor, I will not allow you to pass any sort of drek that commoners drink onto Her Majesty."

"Hubert, the war we had was to get rid of concepts like the nobility and the peasantry," Byleth said, standing up and leaning on the table with both hands. "There is no 'royal' water or 'common' water. There's just water. And if I want wine with my wife before I piss on her perfect face then I will have it."

"Any other time I would agree with you," Hubert said, standing and leaning on the table in a mirror image of Byleth. "And you are free to guzzle and micturate whatever garbage you like _wherever_ you like, but I will see Brigid burn before I allow one of those places to be on the fucking _Emperor of Fòdlan._"

"Now hold on just a damned minute--"

Just then, the door to the Cardinals' room opened, revealing Edelgard herself, holding a bottle of wine and two glasses.

"Professor?" Edelgard said. "Ah, you and Hubert are both in here. I heard you two arguing all the way down the hall. What in the world are you discussing?"

"_Tactical maneuvers,_" Byleth and Hubert said simultaneously.


End file.
